My Room

- is currently preserving my sanity.  I have Christmas lights up, and a cozy (yet about to fall apart, I think) bed, and stuff on my walls, and slippers, and new origami decorations thanks to a heartbreakingly sweet package from Ben, and everything everything I need.  I know I should be spending as little time as possible here, as instead be out in the world exploring and living, but...I love it here and if I am happy to sit inside all morning and knit and write letters, why should I force myself not to?  I am really homesick and have been down and emotional.  And I feel like for some reason, classes have gotten harder rather than easier as the semester has progressed.  Like teaching increasingly becomes more difficult.  That ain't right.  I have a bad attitude about classes and I know that is the problem but I can't manage to get excited about them.  Next semester needs to be different, in terms of classes.  Today I walked the 25 minutes to the office alone, and really, I need to do more of that.  As much time as I have, I think I haven't had enough quality alone time.  And on my walk I was thinking, part of the problem is, I think my self-soothing capabilities are out of practice.  When I have a stupid boy in my life, even though I'm aware that person is completely unable to provide the same level of emotional support as I myself can, I end up depending on him for comfort.  Instead of sitting alone with my thoughts, I go to his place and sit with him and think about his thoughts.  And instead of hanging out with myself on a Friday night and watching TV and painting my nails, I hang out with him and watch a movie I think he will like and look at his hands instead of mine.  Instead of writing in my diary, I write in the journal I got to eventually give him.  And then I feel less able to deal with myself.  Also my primary self-soothing aid, in piano form, is missing which just leaves me emotionally overwhelmed with no outlet. I think the music situation is bordering on desperate.  For the last four years of my life I have sat alone, in a windowless room, with myself and an instrument, for at least three hours every day.  Can anything replace that?   
Also my hair needs highlighting and I don't know what to do about it, which automatically makes me sad.  You know how I am about my hair. 
Bad hair, no piano, cloudy dampness outside, boyfriend I still can't express myself to.  That's how I feel right now.